So I work a pretty hectic schedule in a job that I hate. Unfortunately I'm really good at this job and I've had a hard time giving up a really well paying job that I'm good at. Right now I'm working 12 hour shifts 3-4 days a week. On my days off I watch the kids and do school work. My husband and I are getting little to no time to ourselves, let alone each other.
Right now I'm on mids, which means I come in at 6pm and then leave at 6am. When I'm on mids, I'm dead to the world. I cancel appointments both necessary and social, often at the last minute. I can be found on any flat surface of my home sleeping. I'm a mess. Trying to switch back to normal on my days off has been challenging for me. I usually end up in some kind of stupor until about 11am.
Needless to say, Zombie Mom doesn't do well with kids schedules, feeding times or any thing else at home. Ironically, I'm not really sure what I'm doing it for. I mean, I'm sure that I'm doing well at work. I know that people tell me I'm doing awesome at my job despite the fact that I feel pretty stagnant.
I check into the building, put away my lunch, check my email, check my other email, check my OTHER email. Then after I've taken care of correspondence, I start the tedious part of my job. I talk to the people I need to talk to. I write reports. I listen to music. I try not to fall asleep. Before I know it, I'm home.
I realized that I hated my job when I was willing to take days off without pay to go volunteer at a horse rescue here. I was willing to take 0 dollars just to do something that I love. It's a pretty important thing to me and one of the things that has led me to reevaluate my life. It's also one of the things that has made me change my education plan. If all goes well, in less than a year I'll be unemployed and attending college full time for an equine science degree. I never thought I'd relish the thought of being unemployed and to be honest, it's scary as hell. I'm Catholic so hell's a pretty scary thought.
Being able to do this is freeing but it makes me wonder what happens now. How do I hold on until next fall? What happens if I fail? All of these thoughts, questions and fears are racing through my head constantly. I guess we'll just have to see.
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